


hamlet with whimsy

by dezagirl



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Fluff, Fun, Gen, Kind of dumb though, not depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 17:13:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dezagirl/pseuds/dezagirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamlet is NOT Claudius' son, Laertes gives his dearest sister the Talk, and Ophelia just wants to go on a normal date.</p><p>(written with Tennant's Hamlet's backgrounds/setting in mind, but the story works with all versions.)</p><p>Oneshot. Maybe I'll add more later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hamlet with whimsy

1/ COUSIN  
\---

"I just wanted to let you know," Claudius says, smiling down at Hamlet, "that I embrace you as a father would a son."

Hamlet shifts uncomfortably as his uncle moves closer to him. "No, really," Claudius insists. "You can call me daddy. If you want to."

"I don't-"

"I brought Monopoly. You can have the ship. Or the dog. I can be the boot."

Hamlet peers around Claudius. His uncle- his incestuous, damned uncle- is blocking his bedroom door. Hamlet wonders how long it would take Horatio to arrive if he yells, and if the ribbings about Claudius for months after will be worth it.

"I brought this cool game, too, you play it-"

"Out," Hamlet says. 

Claudius frowns and slips out, but not before leaving something on a chair by the door. When Hamlet examines the object he finds that Claudius has left a box of chocolates, with a note that reads 'DEFINITELY NOT POISONED'.

Hamlet sighs. He supposes he'll give them to Rosencrantz.

\---  
2/ GHOST DAD

"What? WHAT?"

King Hamlet's specter is floating in the castle hallway, clutching Hamlet jr.'s head to his stomach.

Hamlet flaps his arms ineffectually. "MMPH."

Hamlet Sr releases his son. "WHAT?" he says, again.

"I said- I'll avenge you, daddy! I'll do exactly what you said. Kill the Claudius...spill his blood."

Hamlet Sr nods approvingly. From behind the ghost, Horatio grimaces.

The spirit disappears and Hamlet falls to the floor, fists bunched up, visage hunched.

\---

3/ MAD AS A HATTER

"He's gotten completely out of control, Gertrude." The king's voice echoes down the hallways, and soon king Claudius and Gertrude enter the ballroom. "Hamlet, he- well-"

"What, dear?" Gertrude prompts, tapping Claudius gently on his hand.

Claudius remembers.

\---

"What- why is there an effigy of myself hanging from your ceiling?"

Hamlet sits up, bored, from his bed and fixes his gaze on Claudius. "Where?"

"Rig- for God's sake, Hamlet, THERE-" Claudius points a thick tiger to the middle of Hamlet's bedroom, where a remarkably accurate figure of Claudius hangs, covered in wounds.

Hamlet shrugs, apathetic. "I dunno. Amlet did that."

"...Amlet?" Claudius stares at Hamlet, irritated.

"Amlet. Silent H. He's my twin." Hamlet lays back down and stares at the ceiling. "He thinks you're weird and smell funny."

Claudius sputters. "Hamlet- cease your foolishness at once." The effigy dangles distractingly off to the side of Claudius, who is making a big effort not to stare at the stab-riddled figure. "This is threatening...treasonous."

Hamlet grins and Claudius smiles inwardly. He knows what will get tithe boy. "I thought you liked me!"

Hamlet's face contorts hilariously. "You. You are a horrible person. You... You don't even deserve to be the boot in Monopoly. You...you deserve...a BEET."

Claudius looks amused and Hamlet becomes more infuriated. "The most despicable of all vegetables! The absolute worst! And RED! Like the color of my father's blood on your hands!"

Claudius looks around the room and grins. "I see you ate my chocolates. I'm glad, cousin."

From out of nowhere a shoe flies out and hits Claudius in the stomach. "Get the to a nunnery," Hamlet says, face gone flat again. "You tempt the mother and...and agitate the son..."

Claudius blinks and leaves, thinking as he shuts the door behind him, was I really just called a jiggolo by my nephew?

\----

Claudius blinks and looks at Gertrude, whose face has creased with worry.

"Oh," Claudius says, bored. "Just...things. Hamlet never replaces the toilet paper, and that's a bit irritating. And foolish, I guess. And- well...nevermind."

Gertrude smiles and clasps Claudius' arm a bit tighter.

\---  
4/ ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE (WISHING THEY WERE) DEAD

In the royal bathroom, two figures sit in the bathroom- one on the empty toilet, one over the tub.

Rosencrantz, from his station on the toilet, gives a sickly moan. "Those chocolates," he whispers. "They were bad...Hamlet's near poisoned us, Guild."

Guildenstern is too busy vomiting into the tub to respond. Rosencrantz rests his head on the cool porcelain of the nearby sink before lifting his head and giving a shriek.

"There's no toilet paper?!?"

\---

5/ LAERTES' SEXY TIPS FOR SEXY SEX

"And if you're not on top, you're not winning," Laertes finishes, folding up his diagrams. "That's pretty much it."

Ophelia blinks and covers her face.

"But don't have sex, Ophelia. It might be awesome, but you'll get pregnant and die." Laertes nods and motions towards his open suitcase. "Now take some rubbers."

Ophelia squawks and runs off down the hallway, her bare feet slapping loudly against the wooden floor. From his perch on the staircase. Polonius emerges.

Laertes looks at his father, bored. "If I had told her not to, she would have. If I had told her to, she would have. So...I made my speech so confusing...so conflicting...that she'll not do IT any time soon."

Polonius shakes his head and smiles, a slow, bright expression.

"We might make a future royal advisor out of you yet," Polonius says, patting his son's head.

\----

6/

A flashlight beam shines from behind a brick corner of a royal hallway, behind the light Hamlet and Ophelia stand.

"We don't even have to go anywhere nice," Ophelia offers, trudging behind her boyfriend. "McDonalds would be fine."

"We're finding my dad. He's fun, Ophelia, really!" Hamlet ducks down beneath a wall torch and peers out into the hallway. "He's such a trickster. Always hiding."

Ophelia covers her face. "Hamlet." 

Hamlet turns around and Ophelia sighs. "Your father is dead, my Lord. He shan't be coming around."

Hamlet rolls his eyes and walks around another corner.

At a small table sits a ghostly figure, a monopoly board in front of it. Several pieces are scattered across the board- the ghost has a thimble in its hand. A silver beet rolls across the Chance cards.

"Told you," Hamlet says, turning around. "Friday's boa-"

Ophelia lies, unconscious, on the floor. From an end of the hallway Horatio sighs.

His friend's approaching footsteps make Hamlet turn. "Horatio! I didn't know if you were coming."

Horatio bends down and picks up Ophelia. "Why did you think it would be a good idea to show your girlfriend a ghost?"

Hamlet Sr grumbles at his table. "Well...you took it well," Hamlet says to Horatio.

Horatio closes his eyes, sighs, and places Ophelia gently in a chair at the table. "Fine," he says, "but I'm not being the beet."

\----

END


End file.
